Dear Karinna,

My boyfriend and I started out as a passionate couple. Now that he’s “committed” to me and monogamous he has no attraction sexually. He calls it the madonna-whore complex.

We have a fantastic life together otherwise. But I cannot go on much longer without the sexual intimacy (we do cuddle, hold each other and kiss often). I dream of taking a lover but don’t want to jeopardize this great love.

He’s in therapy but nothing has changed. Got any suggestions?

K

Dear K,

I think therapy is a great place to start. But I would ask, are you in therapy together as well?

You need to know what is really going on in his head and allow yourself to speak about how this situation is affecting you in the presence of a counselor who can see the whole picture and support you both in moving through it. If you are not already, I say start immediately

Obviously you could be passionate together initially so he is attracted to you for sexual intimacy but it seems like his libido has taken a nose dive. Sometimes when a person starts feeling more deeply invested in a relationship unconscious fear starts to immerge that becomes paralyzing. Something inside of them says, “Danger, Danger– you are in too deep– you could get hurt– you could get obliterated.” And so there is an internal mechanism that shuts down having more intimacy i.e. lack of sex drive. When this happens the person’s ego rationalizes, “Oh, I just can’t get sexually excited about this person anymore-I have a Madonna/whore complex– the honeymoon is over– the romance is gone.” But underneath that rationalization is the real unconscious dialogue, ” I’ll be safe holding hands and kissing but sex– no, no, no– that will take me into territory that makes me lose control, lose myself -feel too much pleasure, connection, love, –fear or old pain. I would rather stay safe and just have sex without the love. Thank you very much” Of course, this is generally not a conscious conversation or decision but it happens.

The news is–it is good that this is happening. Really. This issue had to come up and had to be addressed for you to be able to have a fulfilling relationship because otherwise your relationship is not going to survive- you know it-you are ready to take a lover and believe me if he doesn’t deal with it now he will be looking for another lover but would end up running into the same issue again with another woman. The key for your lover is to deal head on with any significant familial feminine (mother) relationship issues and the fear of being in too deep so that he can find a healthy balance in his psyche between healthy autonomy and surrendering to on-going physical and emotional intimacy in your relationship.