Dear Karinna,

How do I overcome anxiety, nervousness, stress, resistance, low self-esteem, and procrastination when it comes to finding a long term relationship and having sexual relationships? I would like to find a very nice, attractive, sexy woman who has very nice qualities, but the troubles I mentioned tend to make it very difficult for me, especially when it comes to sex. Please send me advice on what to do about this situation. Your website, newsletters, and products are all very nice. Thank you.

– R.

Dear R.,

It sounds like you might be suffering from anxiety, nervousness, stress, resistance, low self- esteem, and procrastination because you don’t really know what you want. Finding a long term relationship and having sexual relationships are at odds with each other, so if you are going after both simultaneously to see which one sticks that is very, very “anxiety producing” behavior.

First of all you have to get clear about what you want. Are you ready for a committed relationship? Or do you just want to play the field? Once this decision is made you will feel more relaxed because you won’t be split internally. I will tell you that for most people playing the field does get old at some point and you will want to turn your attention to pursuing a long term relationship. And so my advice is for turning your attention in that direction as I feel that you will free yourself from your stress so much faster by connecting and being in a relationship with the right person.

The right person for you will make you feel at ease. If you go after women who make you feel ill at ease you are begging for disappointment, anxiety, and who knows what else.

Start introducing yourself to nice women who have nice energy. Just talk to them and see how you feel in their presence. Ask yourself, “Do I feel interested? Do I feel at ease? Do I feel excitement?” If the answers are all yes you are headed in the right direction. If you feel that there is an attraction between you invite her out. On a first date take it slow– don’t feel like you have to travel from A-Z all at once. Get to know her. If you pace yourself in the situation with no objective of needing to get anywhere with her fast she will actually like you more. If the first date goes well, ask her out on another and then another. Take your time. Discover if there is more in common for both of you; the more in common you have with this person the greater your attraction will grow and sex will be a natural extension. When you try to push the river in dating and connecting sexually it is stressful and it will ultimately produce unneeded nervousness and resistance. When you give yourself the chance to really get to know someone who is attractive to you and let the relationship organically unfold a fulfilling relationship that includes wonderful sex will peacefully insue. The patience you have with yourself in this process will allow you to feel much more comfortable with initiating and taking the steps of developing an intimate relationship. Savor the process.

Karinna Kittles-Karsten