Dear Karinna,

I am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me. My boyfriend penetrates me for hours and I beg him to come so he will stop. He seems to be totally in control of when he comes and he doesn’t like to do it until we have been at it for a long time. Sometimes it hurts me and I never have a vaginal orgasm. He tells me how beautiful I am and then tells me how much he thinks I want him– but I actually don’t want him. Lately he has tried to finger me and now that doesn’t even feel really good anymore. He doesn’t believe in using any lubrication except pre-lube from him and he only licks me to get me wet. Maybe I need to be hypnotized. I would like to have an orgasm through just hypnosis without being touched. Is that really possible? I love the hugs when it is over with but the act of sex itself can be painful. When I was young it all seemed so exciting to fool around even if I didn’t go all the way. What happened to that exciting feeling I used to have?

–L.

Dear L.,

Your sexual experience sounds horrible. Honestly, like sex masochism. You don’t want it. You are not enjoying it. You beg him to come so he will stop. And you really want to experience an orgasm with his hands off of you. This speaks volumes about the dynamic of your relationship. You are with a lover who doesn’t know you emotionally and physically and doesn’t seem that interested in getting to know those parts of you. He is, with your permission, using your beauty and your body to get off. His foreplay can be likened to winding up a toy doll– touch a little here, lick a little there, and then she is ready for action. He then proceeds to use you– the doll– for as long as he wants until he has satisfied himself. From what you have said he doesn’t care that he has not pleased you or about how he has hurt you to the point that you can’t wait for it to end.

You are becoming so turned off by sex that you don’t know if you want to be touched again. And yet you remember a time when playing around was exciting and fun! This is important and we will get back to this later. But for now, I would immediately call for a time-out in your sex life. No more sex like this!

From what you communicated this could make him angry because he wants sex all the time. But it is essential for you to deal with very core relationship issues right now. If he says he can’t handle not having sex you have to be strong and tell him that he will have to put his “self-pleasuring skills” to use until you have both figured things out. If he is not willing to confront the sex obstacles between you then this is a sign that he is absolutely not a qualified partner for you.

However, if he is willing, you may want to seek out a counselor to help both of you with this process. No matter which road you end up taking in regards to this relationship, you can do your own personal work by first spending some time discovering who you are sexually and what you need to feel pleasure and obtain an orgasm. If you don’t know yourself you can’t expect the other person to just “get you.” Second, you have to feel that you have a partner who desires and is willing to discover you too. He needs to be able to be sensitive to your emotions and to the nuances of your body and what your movements, breathing, and verbal cues are telling him in terms of how to bring you into the moment of lovemaking and reach orgasmic pleasure. Right now your lover is not doing that and you are not asking for it. This is something that has to be brought into the open and resolved. If you stick together it is also important that your partner does his own work on what is driving him sexually and how to become a more sensitive partner.

Confronting and resolving your sex issues with your partner is about confronting yourself and your whole relationship. When you have discovered who you are and what you need sexually and you have a partner who knows who he is sexually and you are both unafraid to be attentive, sensitive, and generous lovers you will be amazed at just how great sex will become. Try Sacred Love-Making for inspiring tips and step-by-step instruction.