Dear Karinna,

Is it just me, or do you think it’s insensitive for a guy not to call you the next day after he’s slept with you? I know that once you’re past your twenties things change, but am I being too sensitive? It’s a vulnerable thing to sleep with someone and I know there are no guarantees in life, but it’s more of a comfort to have him call just to say hi for 5 minutes or so. Is that too much to ask? I’m starting to really be turned off by men. Men and women seriously do not speak the same language. We really are very different from one another. Men can sleep around and have no problem not getting emotionally attached. I’m just not built that way and I don’t want to be. And what do you think of a guy who doesn’t see it as a big deal that he didn’t call after he said he would? I find there is a lack of “gentlemen” out there, and it’s really sad.

– N.

Dear N.,

What you don’t know yet (but are about to) is that it isn’t that all women.and men “don’t speak the same language,” it is actually that not all women and men are created equal in terms of their level of development. In picking someone less developed than you are to date, have sex with, and commit to you will often be disappointed.

In this case you slept with a man who doesn’t seem to be on the same emotional level that you are– that is the problem. If he said that he would call and did not, he is not someone of his word. If you are someone whose words and actions match then you are not on the same emotional level. A man who is on your emotional level and has connected to you emotionally will call. And even if he has decided he is not emotionally connected if he is on your same level he will still call and let you know that.

What happens so often is that certain women and men are attracted to characteristics of someone who is less developed than they are– for instance, you may like a man who seems shy because you have the knack of getting information out of him, or you may like testy, moody types because you feel you can uncover their “lighter side” or even like hanging out in those “shadowy spaces.” You may also like that someone doesn’t have a lot of experience in a certain area that you can teach them about. There can be a tendency in more developed people to like this dynamic because they feel they have an upper hand in the relationship; they feel they can be a teacher, a life changer, a savior, etc. which gives the person a sense of greater self-esteem and safety in the relationship. What we don’t realize is that when we are not matched up equally within an intimate partnership (whether that be for dating, sex, or a full on relationship) there is a huge possibility for let down and disappointment. Why? Because that is what younger souls do, they don’t have the spectrum of vision, the depth of emotion, or the sensitivity to others around them at the same level that we do. And if we don’t wake up to this fact we repeat the pattern of investing in an unfulfilling relationship over and over again.

It is actually a positive sign that you are starting to be turned off by men– but it is not all men– it is the men you have been attracted to in the past. Yes, Hooray! The wrong man is a turn off!

I remember when I was in my twenties I was sitting around a group of men who were talking about their relationships with women. I was the only woman in the room listening and observing. Some of these men were young adults, others were older guys, but they all shared a similar point of view– that a man could not nor did he want to be faithful to a woman. I knew that was completely untrue instinctively– but also because I had already witnessed examples to the contrary. But these guys were so committed to that truth and the women who they were involved with were also consciously and unconsciously committed to that truth as well. These guys identified with a certain level of development in the relationship realm, one that was highly focused on a sexual connection as well as the “fantasy” of a relationship– meaning when the initial heat of passion is over their libido moved elsewhere. Today I meet and hear from men all the time who are the absolute contrast to those men. They are men who are developed emotionally and give of themselves generously in a relationship. They like commitment and become emotionally attached when they have sex. This is a different level of development, one that you are ready to look for. But you have to open your eyes to men who have more development for a real relationship.

So to answer your question: of course you deserve a call back when you sleep with someone– when they say they are going to call and even if they didn’t say they would. You deserve to be able to be vulnerable and feel good, desired, and loved by the person you choose to share your heart and body with. And you deserve to be left with happiness and a sense of healthy attachment to your partner after the lovemaking experience.

Trust your own intimate wisdom and give yourself time before diving in to really choose an equal match.