Dear Karinna,

I am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me. My boyfriend penetrates me for hours and I beg him to come so he will stop. He seems to be totally in control of when he comes and he doesn’t like to do it until we have been at it for a long time. Sometimes it hurts me and I never have a vaginal orgasm. He tells me how beautiful I am and then tells me how much he thinks I want him– but I actually don’t want him. Lately he has tried to finger me and now that doesn’t even feel really good anymore. He doesn’t believe in using any lubrication except pre-lube from him and he only licks me to get me wet. Maybe I need to be hypnotized. I would like to have an orgasm through just hypnosis without being touched. Is that really possible? I love the hugs when it is over with but the act of sex itself can be painful. When I was young it all seemed so exciting to fool around even if I didn’t go all the way. What happened to that exciting feeling I used to have?

–L.

Dear L.,

Your sexual experience sounds horrible. Honestly, like sex masochism. You don’t want it. You are not enjoying it. You beg him to come so he will stop. And you really want to experience an orgasm with his hands off of you. This speaks volumes about the dynamic of your relationship. You are with a lover who doesn’t know you emotionally and physically and doesn’t seem that interested in getting to know those parts of you. He is, with your permission, using your beauty and your body to get off. His foreplay can be likened to winding up a toy doll– touch a little here, lick a little there, and then she is ready for action. He then proceeds to use you– the doll– for as long as he wants until he has satisfied himself. From what you have said he doesn’t care that he has not pleased you or about how he has hurt you to the point that you can’t wait for it to end.

You are becoming so turned off by sex that you don’t know if you want to be touched again. And yet you remember a time when playing around was exciting and fun! This is important and we will get back to this later. But for now, I would immediately call for a time-out in your sex life. No more sex like this!

From what you communicated this could make him angry because he wants sex all the time. But it is essential for you to deal with very core relationship issues right now. If he says he can’t handle not having sex you have to be strong and tell him that he will have to put his “self-pleasuring skills” to use until you have both figured things out. If he is not willing to confront the sex obstacles between you then this is a sign that he is absolutely not a qualified partner for you.

However, if he is willing, you may want to seek out a counselor to help both of you with this process. No matter which road you end up taking in regards to this relationship, you can do your own personal work by first spending some time discovering who you are sexually and what you need to feel pleasure and obtain an orgasm. If you don’t know yourself you can’t expect the other person to just “get you.” Second, you have to feel that you have a partner who desires and is willing to discover you too. He needs to be able to be sensitive to your emotions and to the nuances of your body and what your movements, breathing, and verbal cues are telling him in terms of how to bring you into the moment of lovemaking and reach orgasmic pleasure. Right now your lover is not doing that and you are not asking for it. This is something that has to be brought into the open and resolved. If you stick together it is also important that your partner does his own work on what is driving him sexually and how to become a more sensitive partner.

Confronting and resolving your sex issues with your partner is about confronting yourself and your whole relationship. When you have discovered who you are and what you need sexually and you have a partner who knows who he is sexually and you are both unafraid to be attentive, sensitive, and generous lovers you will be amazed at just how great sex will become. Try Sacred Love-Making for inspiring tips and step-by-step instruction.

Hail to the New Chief and the First Lady in Love!

I, like so many Americans and world citizens, am very impressed by our new president and first lady for many reasons and am very excited for this new era in American leadership. However, as you know, I am not a political commentator but a relationship one, and so to mark the beginning of this wonderful new couple in the White House I thought I would comment on my perception of what they are currently modeling as a couple for all of us to witness.

I think that President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama model a relationship we haven’t seen in the American White House for, well, maybe ever in any of our lifetimes.

The Empowered Healthy Man and The Empowered Healthy Woman standing side-by-side, united in love, in partnership, in family, and in service to something much greater than themselves– the community, the country, and the world.

Yes, we have witnessed one or several of these elements in past presidential couple’s relationship dynamics to greater or lesser degrees. Certain unifying elements that stand out in recent presidential couples are, for instance, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter’s partnership and service commitment, Ronald and Nancy Reagan’s love and partnership, Bill and Hillary Clinton’s united commitment to service, and our most recent Bush couple seemed united in their love and family.

And while each of these former presidential couples had their uniting stand out qualities, none seem to come close to what Barack and Michelle exhibit together both in love and at work. So let’s break down just exactly what qualities are being exhibited by them that creates such a refreshing and inspiring relationship.

President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama Model:

* Individual Strength and Integrity
* Development of Their Own Character, Passions and Abilities
* Real Partnership with Each Other
* A Shared Commitment to Service
* Consideration, Grace, Thoughtfulness, Respect to Each Other and to Others (including those who do not share their sensibilities or ideas)
* Great Chemistry
* Being In Love
* Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, and Mental Health

This Means:

* They each communicate Individual Strength and Integrity, meaning the ability to stand strong alone. They don’t need each other to make themselves whole. They are whole and share a greater whole, healthy relationship because of it.
* They know who they are. They have spent years in Development of Their Own Character, Passions and Abilities. This contributes to their sense of purpose and lightness of spirit.
* They are comfortable sharing power. They naturally are comfortable in a side-by-side, shared power position. They exhibit Real Partnership with each other. They work easily as partners, listening to one another and asking for each other’s opinions.
* Each one of them throughout their school and work careers have had a solid focus of a great Commitment to Service for their Communities and Country.
* They express Consideration, Grace, Thoughtfulness, and Respect to each other when they are in each other’s presence and when they are not. They also express incredible consideration to others, including those who do not share their sensibilities or ideas, such as throwing John McCain a dinner in his honor before the inauguration and walking the Bushes to their plane to leave Washington– both gestures unheard of.
* They naturally have Great Chemistry which leads me to believe they have fulfilling intimacy.
* After many years of marriage it is wonderful to see that they are In Love. This is something that cannot be faked. It either is or it isn’t there– and I am certainly happy that it is truly present for them.
* You can witness their Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, and Mental Health commitment as they each work out, are emotionally communicative and receptive, each have and demonstrate deep spiritual faith, and they love to learn and keep educating themselves mentally. This shared total health dynamic makes for a truly great relationship.

For me Maya Angelou on the “Tavis Smiley” show on January 19th summed it up perfectly when she talked about what a real man and what a real woman are. . .
“You can know when a MAN is in the room– a man may be five feet tall and white and old, he may be Asian, he may be six feet… You know that a MAN is in the room…that means you are not going to be insulted, you will not be in any way hurt; A MAN is not going to shout at you. An old male may do anything… Truth. A WOMAN too… A WOMAN is going to be kind, not indulgent, but kind, a WOMAN– not if she is an old female she may be anything– they can be a hag, rude, mean and cruel… A WOMAN knows enough to take responsibility for the time she takes up and the space she occupies and that is true of a MAN too.”

In our new First Couple I sense the natural understanding of what a real woman and man are.

As we witness President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama now they are a role model couple for all in love. I encourage you to contemplate what this relationship dynamic looks and feels like to inspire you in your own relationship to reach an even higher standard of loving partnership.

All Hail to the Chief and the First Lady In Love!

Dear Karinna,

I was just wondering how to slow myself down when having sex. My boyfriend says while having sex with him it seems like I am “looking for punishment.” He wants to slow things down. How do I do that?

– A.

Dear A.,

My first question to you is. . . Do you know why you are rushing through sex? Is it because you really want to get to the climax fast? Or are you fighting insecurities? Or do you just want it over?

If you are rushing because you really want to get to the climax I would like you to think about expanding your idea of climax– from a short, intense amount of pleasure at the end of sex, to an extended climax that you can have throughout the experience– in fact, this is called a “multi-orgasmic experience” that can permeate each cell of your body and your mind and nourish you and your lover deeply. If fact, you can feel it’s affects for hours or even days after the experience. Would that be worth slowing it down a bit for? This kind of sexual experience occurs by patient building of the sexual excitement. You need Stamina and Energetic Openness to enjoy the love and pleasure that you will be building on the most profound levels. Then Know How to Breathe. Just Breathe. Breathe into your whole body and then exhale into your lover’s whole body becoming one organism- or orgasm! Sink into that style of breathing as you look at each other, caress each other, pleasure one another, and have intercourse. Each one of these experiences can become orgasmic all by themselves by using this type of breathing and you can build and build on it. Then take a new step into intercourse and begin to use your sexual stamina to channel your sexual excitement with the Breath of Pleasure into one orgasm, then another and another– also called “hill, valley, hill valley”– ecstasy.

The more pleasure you allow yourself to take in, the less insecurity will have a grip on you because you just won’t be thinking anymore about what you look like, how you move, and so forth. You will just feel blissfully alive and in the moment!

And if you are rushing because you want sex to be over that would tell me that your level of energetic openness is low– possibly even blocked– and therefore you’re not able to take in very heightened or extended pleasure because it all feels the same to you so it doesn’t matter whether the whole experience is 2 minutes or 1 hour. People can experience this if they have unresolved emotional or physical trauma, or they have resolved these traumas mentally but the body and heart hasn’t figured out how to open themselves up again. If this is true for you opening up can happen a lot quicker and easier than you think. Believe me– it is worth the slow cook!

Dear Karinna,

I’ve always been very selective with the partners I’ve had in my life and really have experienced the best sex that transports you to that Zen state, but I was wondering if a relationship ever be too sexually charged– too intense? After my husband of 14 years lost his battle with cancer I found myself single at age 38 and without a partner for several years after that during my healing journey. When I finally took a new lover we had such intense chemistry that it scared us both at times. We stayed together for 5 years off and on and almost got married, but Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Karinna,

I have been out of a long term relationship for a little over two years now. The relationship was intense and provided a lot of opportunities to look at many things within myself. I would now like to be in a committed partnership again and am currently trying one of those on-line dating sites– but notice the “creepy” way it feels at times. Do you have any other suggestions to start anew and meet someone?

– K.

Dear K.,

As for on-line dating, I have to say it works!!! I am meeting people almost weekly in all age categories who have met on-line and now are in long-term relationships or got married and are really happy together. If the on-line dating service you are with seems “creepy,” try one like e-Harmony or Perfect Match. They have a great reputation for quality matches. Also utilize Sacred Love’s essential matching points to determine if someone might be a qualified match for you: find out if you are compatible emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually with the people you are meeting on-line before you even meet in person. Ask questions in all of these areas to discover what your compatibility levels are. Then you will be able to get a good initial “read,” which will help you determine if they are worthy of a date.

For other easy ways to start anew and meet interesting people, ask your friends (especially those in successful relationships) if they know of anyone you should meet. Then have them invite you over for dinner (and maybe a few others too) or just have them set you up on a blind date.

You can also create a “singles night” at your house. Every Thursday ask all your single friends to come over and to invite two of their single friends of the opposite sex (who you don’t know) for drinks and appetizers. This is sure to bring lots of new people into your life and into all your single friend’s lives as well. I believe in friends connecting friends– because if you are with the right group of friends they are people who share your same value system and will attract like-minded people. If your friends don’t share your value system I would look for a new group.

Also engaging in a favorite activity, such as ballroom dancing, yoga, hiking with a club, joining a business club, doing charity events, etc., is a great way to meet new singles.

And lastly, try the timeless art of a local matchmaker who gives you an extra set of discerning eyes to match you up with someone compatible. Look one up in your area and set up an interview to get started.

Dear Karinna,

I have been with my fiancé for six years. Before we even thought about children our intimacy and sex life was great. But since our third child was born and I had my tubes tied, there is no sex or intimacy anymore. I feel that getting my tubes tied made me feel like having less intimacy and left me with no sex drive.

I want to give him my all, but for some reason there is no strength in me to even try to make passionate love to him. I don’t feel open to negotiate options with him. I am scared to be up front and honest with him, and I don’t want him to feel as though he failed in some way.

It’s so bad now that he thinks I am cheating on him. I need help with his understanding me. For some reason I have had a hard time with intimacy. I have since I was younger, and I think it has to do with the childhood molestation in my past. Please help me understand my problems.

– S.

Dear S.,

First I would like to say that having a Tubal Ligationprocedure can, in some cases, cause havoc on your hormonal levels, which can temporarily cause a loss of libido. I would suggest discussing this issue with your doctor and checking out their suggestions for balancing your hormones, which could help increase your sex drive.

Having addressed the health component of your question, it is important to honor that many mothers find their days exhausting and feel they have little time left over to take care of themselves or feel energized enough to experience love and romance with their lovers. Many mothers would rather have a massage.

The key is to schedule the time to be romantic with one another. Don’t wait for spontaneity or the timing to be “perfect.” At this point in your life you will always have another baby to feed and laundry to do. You have to schedule time for romance at the beginning of your week. On Sunday sit down with your fiancé and decide on a time and date, whether it is next Saturday for 2 hours, or Wednesday morning for 30 minutes before the kids get up, or in the evening sometime right before dinner. Take time just for the two of you to be intimate and romantic.

If you make the appointment all your anxiety about making it happen will disappear. And your effort will make him know you really care about love and romance with him.

For a shorter romantic opportunity begin by just lying on top of your lover body to body– allow a natural connection to arise. Tune into your lover’s mind, heart, and body. Breathe your lover in. Let this stir you to kiss, initiate sex, or even just hold and touch each other sensually.

For a longer romantic opportunity don’t make it just about intercourse. Start your intimate time together with a bubble bath and/or giving each other a neck or foot massage. Then allow arousing and meaningful foreplay to unfold… see where that will lead you!

Important Note: Avoid intimacy right after eating. Food makes you tired and parents can often become exhausted quickly and loose momentum.

Lastly, you have to be willing to do some healing work around the sexual trauma that you suffered as a child. My suggestion is to see a counselor who can offer you the information and support you need to move through the healing process. My CD series, The Lover Within, is also a good choice and a powerful educational tool for reclaiming your health and wholeness with your sexuality. It will free up your physical and emotional energy to give and receive love and romance and teach you some new skills to enhance the overall intimate experiences you crave.

Dear Karinna,

My boyfriend never wants to have sex anymore– unless you call once a month acceptable, and I don’t. I’m afraid I will seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere is this doesn’t change… please help.

– S.

Dear S.,

It is very painful when your mate does not show the same interest level in sex as you do.

There are multiple reasons why this might be happening. I am going to give you a couple of possibilities and what you can do to have more sex with your partner:

1. You’ve been together for several years or more and every time you have sex it goes back to the same routine. If you think about it, if you were to turn on the TV and see the same episode of a show that you actually like over and over again you would loose interest in watching it too.

If this is the case then you need to open yourself up to growing intimately by seeking some continued education to enhance your skills as a lover. Some of the ways you can grow could be in how you approach your lover differently about sex, talking to each other about what sex means to each of you (it’s different for everyone), and also engage in sex that moves not only your bodies but also your souls.

2. Another scenario could be that you have not built in an acceptable commitment for sexual intimacy together.

MY NUMBER ONE RULE is to schedule in your date book a time each week to be sexually intimate together just like any other important part of your life. Do this at the beginning of the week so it is something you both can look forward to. You can always have spontaneous sex at other times, but that should not take the place of your committed appointment. Making a once a week commitment will help you create a stronger sexual connection and actually help your partner become interested in having more.

If he won’t budge and make a commitment to have a more healthy sexual frequency you will have to be honest and let him know that once a month isn’t doing it for you and you will have to work it out or you will ultimately be attracted to someone who wants more.

For more help I would recommend a phone consultation if you want to continue your sexual intimacy education. To do so you can go to my site at www.sacredlove.com and click on “Schedule a Private Session.”

Dear Karinna,

I’m not that good being on top. I get bored. Can you please help me? That is my boyfriend’s favorite position.

– K.

Dear K.,

First of all it takes courage to ask for help in your intimate life so I want to congratulate you for taking that first step.

To transform your boredom on top into excitement and fun– and possibly even make it one of your favorite positions– I want to discuss what may be happening to you.

Ideally an “on top position” will stimulate a woman’s G-spot very well. If you are not doing this it may be because you are not feeling enough stimulation by your boyfriend’s penis which causes your steam to fizzle instead of growing hotter. In that case try one of these adjustments:

1. Lie flat on top with your abdomen touching his abdomen and make micro-pelvic movements in an “up and down” motion on his penis. This should arouse your G-spot beautifully. (Remember, the G-spot is located about two inches into the vagina and needs to be stimulated by pressure on the front wall of the vagina.)

2. Also try a variation of a top position such as this one: Sit and face each other. Your legs should be in a bent position over his, which are outstretched. Have your arms behind you with your hands on the bed for balance. You can either control the next movement or you can move together. I suggest that you start with controlling the movement by lifting your buttocks up and moving in a forward and backwards motion. Looking into each others eyes during this movement can create a powerful, intimate experience and can also be incredibly stimulating to your G-spot– and very arousing for him too!

You can also watch my new DVD, Sacred Love-Making for even more advice and tips. (That’s why I made it— to help people like you improve their love lives!)

Dear Karinna,

I have never had sex and I am getting married soon. How is the first encounter? Does it hurt? I don’t want to disappoint my bride. Are there any exercises and techniques I can teach myself to be ready? I want to make sure that I don’t just focus on getting the pleasure alone without the fulfillment of my wife. What will it take to have a pleasurable moment, especially on our wedding night? Please advise!

– K.

Dear K.,

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

The most important thing to know so that you will have a great first sexual experience on your wedding night is to stay present with your incredible connection and love for each other as you move into and through this powerful, sacred bonding ritual. When the moment finally arrives to intimately unite with each other think of it as a continuation of the ceremony earlier when you said your vows and exchanged rings. While that early ceremony with friends and family looking on will be an incredibly meaningful moment that you will return to over and over again in your thoughts and conversations, this moment of uniting with your Sacred Lover physically can be even more profound. This is because you are about to enter the deepest space that you can share with another human being. When you enter this intimate space with your Sacred Lover you not only enter their body, but their mind, heart, and energy body and you exchange on a cellular level leaving the essence of yourself within each other.

A first experience can be a bit painful for the woman. What I suggest is making sure she is sufficiently aroused and lubricated. The best way to do this is by giving her oral pleasure or utilizing a lubricant such as K-Y Gel. Don’t race into the experience of intercourse; take your time to enjoy the romance and the build up of your sexual chemistry together. (If you need ideas for what to do during the build up, watch my new DVD Sacred Love-Making for suggestions.)

Often couples are tired at the end of their wedding day and may want to wait until the next morning to have their first sexual experience together. If that happens don’t let it be disappointing. Cuddle, recount the events of the day, and then get the rest you need for an amazing next day of romance and passion.

Here are some techniques for developing yourself as a lover. First try Sexual Toning, which is an exercise from my Fit for Love work out to develop your urogenital muscles which are positioned between the testicles and the anus. You can strengthen the muscles by coming down into a squat and gently contracting and then relaxing the urogenital area. You can do this several times a day. This will help you with having stronger erections and help you last longer during lovemaking. However, don’t worry if you lose your erection on the first night. This can be par for the course and is just part of you learning your body and getting comfortable in the sexual arena. I would also strongly suggest developing your finesse as a lover. A woman generally responds well to both gentle and simultaneously passionate kisses, touch, foreplay, and sexual movements. Also develop your sensitivity of understanding to what degree you need to be gentle or strong for your lover to become and stay aroused.

Pleasure will naturally come to you both from focusing on each other. Focus on being with your Sacred Lover and serving your love. The quality of your attention while giving, guiding, and satisfying your lover’s needs for love and sexual fulfillment during the act of lovemaking and making the moment meaningful communicates your refinement as a lover.

You can Serve Your Lover in the Act of Love-Making by:
• Utilizing finesse and sensitivity in your touch
• Communicating love in your speech
• Being creative and poetic
• Electrifying your partner’s passion by tuning into their desires and pleasure
• Taking your time
• Remaining present

And again, you can always watch my new Sacred Love-Making DVD for more tips and advice. (That is exactly why I made it!) May this wedding night be a sacred night that sets the tone for on-going rich and amazing intimacy!

Dear Karinna,

How do I develop intimacy with my wife if we haven’t had intercourse in the last one and a half years?

– R.

Dear R.,

While couples go through cycles of being less intimate, such as during the time when a woman gives birth or there has been an illness or you have gone through a big life challenge, it is important to bring your focus back to why you came together in the first place.

Here are some suggestions for getting your intimate life back on track:

1)Talk to Her. It is time to sit down with your wife and talk about intimacy and sexuality and what it means to both of you. Discuss what you each like about sex and intimacy with each other and what doesn’t work for you. Then create a new approach to intimacy based on both of your answers. For instance, you may find that she wants to be told what she means to you or she wants to receive a passionate kiss from you after work and these things will open her up to more intimacy. You may say to her, “I want to feel your enthusiasm about sex; I would also like you to tease me and touch me sensually,” and these things will open you back up to intimacy.

2)Have Date Nights. Introduce romance back into your relationship. Regardless of how busy your life is or how you might not feel passionate yet, make time for each other to go on a date (once a week or at the least twice a month). Create romance with your wife with dinner out, a concert, a picnic, or a moonlight walk. Take turns with your wife planning the date. This will give you both the opportunity to delight your lover, receive a surprise, and feel pleased.

3)Get the Sacred Love-Making DVD. Watch it together. It will be a fun activity for you both and will make this subject light again in your relationship.

4)Don’t Place Blame. Don’t make each other wrong for what hasn’t taken place in the last year and a half. Start in this moment. Open up to her– share your heart. This will lead you to greater intimacy.

Keep sending me your questions to Ask Karinna.
I love hearing from you!

Wishing You Sacred Love,
Karinna Kittles-Karsten