Dear Karinna,
I have been with my fiancé for six years. Before we even thought about children our intimacy and sex life was great. But since our third child was born and I had my tubes tied, there is no sex or intimacy anymore. I feel that getting my tubes tied made me feel like having less intimacy and left me with no sex drive.
I want to give him my all, but for some reason there is no strength in me to even try to make passionate love to him. I don’t feel open to negotiate options with him. I am scared to be up front and honest with him, and I don’t want him to feel as though he failed in some way.
It’s so bad now that he thinks I am cheating on him. I need help with his understanding me. For some reason I have had a hard time with intimacy. I have since I was younger, and I think it has to do with the childhood molestation in my past. Please help me understand my problems.
– S.
Dear S.,
First I would like to say that having a Tubal Ligationprocedure can, in some cases, cause havoc on your hormonal levels, which can temporarily cause a loss of libido. I would suggest discussing this issue with your doctor and checking out their suggestions for balancing your hormones, which could help increase your sex drive.
Having addressed the health component of your question, it is important to honor that many mothers find their days exhausting and feel they have little time left over to take care of themselves or feel energized enough to experience love and romance with their lovers. Many mothers would rather have a massage.
The key is to schedule the time to be romantic with one another. Don’t wait for spontaneity or the timing to be “perfect.” At this point in your life you will always have another baby to feed and laundry to do. You have to schedule time for romance at the beginning of your week. On Sunday sit down with your fiancé and decide on a time and date, whether it is next Saturday for 2 hours, or Wednesday morning for 30 minutes before the kids get up, or in the evening sometime right before dinner. Take time just for the two of you to be intimate and romantic.
If you make the appointment all your anxiety about making it happen will disappear. And your effort will make him know you really care about love and romance with him.
For a shorter romantic opportunity begin by just lying on top of your lover body to body– allow a natural connection to arise. Tune into your lover’s mind, heart, and body. Breathe your lover in. Let this stir you to kiss, initiate sex, or even just hold and touch each other sensually.
For a longer romantic opportunity don’t make it just about intercourse. Start your intimate time together with a bubble bath and/or giving each other a neck or foot massage. Then allow arousing and meaningful foreplay to unfold… see where that will lead you!
Important Note: Avoid intimacy right after eating. Food makes you tired and parents can often become exhausted quickly and loose momentum.
Lastly, you have to be willing to do some healing work around the sexual trauma that you suffered as a child. My suggestion is to see a counselor who can offer you the information and support you need to move through the healing process. My CD series, The Lover Within, is also a good choice and a powerful educational tool for reclaiming your health and wholeness with your sexuality. It will free up your physical and emotional energy to give and receive love and romance and teach you some new skills to enhance the overall intimate experiences you crave.
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